yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I checked into jail on foursquare
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
