There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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