when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
