i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
