so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
