I feel great
I just peed on a car
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
