I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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