oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
