Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
