Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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