I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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