you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
