she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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