Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
