i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
