I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
