A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
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You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
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It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The power of my boobs compel you
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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