I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize