I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
