i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
