Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
