as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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