You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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