I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
