rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
