I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
