I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
