The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
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I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
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Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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