God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
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I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
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The feeling are messing with the penis
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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