I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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