Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
