In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
