It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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