my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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