I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
