Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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