if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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