Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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