she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
