i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
