the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
