I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
