He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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