Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
