I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
