She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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