life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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