if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
