I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
