Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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