Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
