True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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