Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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