She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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