Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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