Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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