we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
